This Week in Health: Don’t Go Outside!!!

Unless you want to freeze to death, in which case, by all means.

All the health news you need to survive the week—because here at Maxim, keeping you healthy and informed is our top priority (after sexy girls and the funnies).

It’s Cold.

Care for some unsolicited advice? DON’T GO OUTSIDE. Unless you want to freeze to death, in which case, by all means. Because holy FUCK it is cold this week. It’s so cold, in fact, that people are literally freezing to death in the midwest. So, how can you avoid a similar fate? Go to the main branch of the New York Public Library, burn some books with Jake Gyllenhaal, and wait for Dennis Quaid to arrive. Or just turn on the heat and stay home.

Horse Burgers.

Terrific news, everyone! Burger King UK is no longer going to be serving hamburgers made with horse meat. Oh, wait, did you not know about how they were doing that before? To be fair, it was unintentional. But it was revealed this week that the fast food chain’s meat supplier in Ireland had been distributing “beef” patties throughout the region that contained up to 30 percent horse meat. Now that’s a Whopper! (No, seriously, that horse you unknowingly ate for dinner last week was named Whopper.)

Stomach Bug.

There’s a new stomach bug circulating around the U.S., and it ain’t pretty. If you haven’t already caught it, you probably will soon, and when that happens, your relationship with the bathroom will never be the same. They don’t make a flu shot for this hideous beast, so your best bet is to strap on a hazmat suit every time you leave the house—which, if you’ve been paying attention, we really don’t recommend anyway, on account of the cold.

Photos by Dave Pilibosian / iStockPhoto | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2013