Which ‘80s Movie Montage Gives the Best Workout?

These classic flicks pack a serious punch.

With beach season creeping around the corner, the damage of winter’s overindulging starts to show. Looking for a boost before you hit the sand? Need an extra push to crush that Tough Mudder? Want to learn an entire martial art in, like, a day? Look no further than the exercise regimens portrayed in your favorite ‘80s movie montages, guaranteed to fix everything in no longer than a Kenny Loggins song. But which one would give you the best workout? We did some research to give you the best burn.



5. Bloodsport

Bloodsport is the quintessential Van Damme action flick. If you haven’t seen it, you’re not a man. If you’ve seen it more than once, run to the doctor, you may be growing a second penis. It’s centered around a badass illegal fighting tournament, and unsurprisingly includes a badass training montage as well.

ROUTINE


Intensive hand to hand combat training


Catching fish with your bare hands


Concentration/meditation exercises


Having taut ropes pry your limbs apart


Serving someone dinner blindfolded while they occasionally take a swing at you

PROS


You’ll be in tip-top fighting shape by the end


All that meditation will make you incredibly relaxed


Now you can probably do this

CONS


Requires a little too much time with the trainer. Seriously dude, why do we have to eat dinner together?



4. Teen Wolf Too

Nope, that’s not the wrong “too,” the Teen Wolf sequel was just that clever. As if the premise of a teenage werewolf isn’t compelling enough, this movie has a Rocky-esque boxing storyline, complete with a montage to match.

ROUTINE


Speed bag


Heavy bag


Sparring


Jumping rope


Jumping rope with a wacky “fast forward” effect

PROS


You’re a werewolf

CONS


You’re a teenager



3. Chariots of Fire

Set around the 1924 Olympics, Chariots of Fire is a classic sports movie and thus has a classic training sequence. It’s the most exciting footage of white people running since Black Friday videos at Marshalls hit the internet.

ROUTINE


Running with high knees


Long distance runs


Sprinting


Sprinting alongside a pack of about 30 small dogs


Running full speed next to a moving vehicle

PROS


Any extra pounds will melt right off


You’re essentially getting yourself into Olympian shape


You’ll never have to worry about forgetting leg day ever again

CONS


Terrible on your joints, also if you follow the movie’s timeline, The Great Depression is right around the corner.



2. Over the Top

True to its name, Over The Top is about a truck driver who gains custody of his son through an arm wrestling competition. It’s not exactly Spielberg, but it is perfectly Stallone. This film is often dubbed “so bad it’s good,” and we agree with half of that statement.

ROUTINE


Toe touches


Pushups


What can only be described as an awkward father-son scuffle


Using an 18-wheeler grill to exercise biceps


Cable pulls while driving said truck

PROS


You can do the entire thing on the side of a highway while you pee


Will bring you closer to your estranged son


Your right arm will get huge

CONS


You’re going to look like a chronic masturbator

But the winner is…



1. Rocky IV

In the fourth installment, Rocky triumphs over a Russian, ends Communism, and owns a talking robot. It couldn’t be more 1980s if he started a New Wave band with the Facts of Life girls. While surprisingly this one didn’t win the Oscar, it had one of the most epic training montages of all time.

ROUTINE


Too many exercises to name, but most notably:


Doing sit-ups on the ceiling


Chopping fire wood


Lifting rocks via makeshift pulley


Lifting an ox-cart full of your friends


Running to the top of a mountain in the snow, then screaming


Ripping up pictures of your enemies, then gazing intensely at your own reflection

PROS


Gives you time to think about all the people you despise, plus you get to grow a sick “hate-beard.”


Think of all the money you’ll save on a gym membership when your gym is a god damned MOUNTAIN.


Rocky IV is the best shape we’ve seen Rocky, although to be fair it’s also the most brain damaged.

CONS


Sitting alone in a cabin obsessing over your enemies isn’t the healthiest way to cope with anger. Luckily, you’ll be able to beat the sh*t out of any egghead therapist who tries to point that out.

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