Aaron Rodgers Blames Everyone But Himself For His COVID-19 Vaccination Lies

After being fined $14,650 for violating NFL COVID-19 protocols, Rodgers can return to play with his favored Packers against the Seahawks on Sunday.

(Getty Images)

Dear Fellow Members of the MaximBet Woke Mob;

I have terrible news. The jig is up. Our diabolical plan of believing wholeheartedly the sentences and phrases that came out of Aaron Rodgers’ COVID-19 infested mouth has come back to bite us all in the ass.

Yes, our plot to take the possessor of the “State Farm Rodgers Rate” at his word has blown up in our collective woken faces. We’re busted. Our Quixotic quest to destroy Aaron Rodgers was discovered by Aaron Rodgers himself after he caught a deadly disease that’s killed more than 755,000 Americans at a Halloween Party dressed as a Dollar Store action figure knock-off of John Wick. 

Man, do we have egg on our faces?

This is embarrassing. For me. To be outed in such a way literally halfway into the season brings so much shame. I got away with it for so long. No one had a clue. I don’t know what to say. 

I thought I had Rodgers fooled, watching his games, supporting his position that the Green Bay Packers should actually listen to him when it comes to building the team around him. Picking Green Bay to regularly win and even, sometimes, betting money on them to do so. It was almost the perfect plan to take Rodgers down.

But he was just too smart for me. And as he sucked those COVID-19 germs into his unprotected lungs through his lying mouth hole, my plan fell to pieces. 

I had time to reflect Friday on everything I’d put Rodgers through. I had gallbladder removal surgery that morning. World famous podcaster and former guy who coaxed girls in bikinis into eating pig penises in exchange for cash on TV, Joe Rogan, for some reason, refused to return my calls, emails and texts in an effort to get him to do the operation.

So I had to instead rely on a board-certified surgeon with a medical doctor’s degree to take it out. 

It’s hard to blame Rogan for turning his back on me. I mean, I took the actual COVID-19 vaccine and now the booster. I wore a mask diligently during the peaks of the pandemic before and after being vaccinated.

I had ignored all of Rogan’s advice and had managed to avoid a COVID-19 infection completely so far. Why would he help me now? 

So there, recovering from a day surgery and receiving medical care derived from 21st-century science, healthy and disease free, I just felt like a fool. 

I can tell you one thing; I was no Aaron Rodgers. 

Rodgers–who was fined $14,650 for violating NFL COVID-19 protocols after belatedly apologizing for his “misleading” comments on Pat McAfee’s show–can return to play Sunday afternoon when the Packers host the Seattle Seahawks with their own returning quarterback, Russell Wilson.

Of course, that’s a big “if” since there’s no guarantee Rodgers won’t test positive again, in spite of taking everything Rogan recommended from horse shit medicine, to giraffe boner pills to bovine hemorrhoid creams. 

There will be no medication meant for a hoofed animals’ genitals that Rodgers won’t place right into his own gaping Covid-covered maw.

With Rodgers expected back, the Packers are 4-point favorites at MaximBet as I write this.

Because it would be a shame for Rodgers’ personal choices to cost his team another game like it did last Sunday in a 13-7 loss to the Kansas City Chiefs. A loss that allowed the Arizona Cardinals to retake the top seed in the NFC. 

A loss that happened specifically because Aaron Rodgers disregarded the NFL’s protocols for unvaccinated players. Which, obviously, was all my fault. I’m sorry. I never should have believed for a second I would get away with it.

NFL Week 10 Thursday Night Football Betting Odds

Baltimore Ravens (-7.5) at Miami Dolphins 

The Ravens really let us all down last week as Lamar Jackson decided he’d try throwing the ball to players on the Minnesota Vikings a few times while Baltimore’s defense allowed Dalvin Cook to run through them like a toddler at a McDonald’s playland. 

It’s a quick turnaround after a long game for the Ravens. I’m not sure Tua Tagovailoa will start for Miami, or if that even matters. I think Baltimore wins on the road, but doesn’t cover, again. 

Ravens 20, Dolphins 13

Adam Greene is @TheFirstMan on Twitter.

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