You want to take that cap and yank it off his head like you were channeling Jake Paul meeting Floyd Mayweather. You want to yell “Brooksie” 'til the cows come home, and you want to remind him that he is so insufferable that even his caddie ditched him.
You almost want to tell him that you wished COVID-19 had killed him, but c’mon now. Even hecklers have a code of conduct.
Well, this weekend brings everyone their last chance of the PGA TOUR season to gang up against Mr. Protein Shake. Bryson DeChambeau goes for the Tour title at Atlanta's East Lake Golf Club in the final round of the FedEx Cup Playoffs.
DeChambeau, who we can’t call “The Scientist” any longer since he actually doesn’t believe in science, has 5-1 odds to win the TOUR Championship, according to the latest odds from MaximBet.
East Lake is a course with bunkers guarding the front of many greens, so we will see fewer 380-yard drives from DeChambeau. And this is a course that he shot 72-69-69-71 at last year before changing his physique and channeling his inner Tiger Woods when it comes to being agreeable and pleasant. Insert your own Waffle House joke here.
The thing that makes DeChambeau most insufferable is what he does with his driver, which the mightiest mortals outside of a long drive competition cannot match. Heck, we challenge you to try it on a simulator after downing a case of Red Bull. Maybe you make 280, but 380?
So, yeah, DeChambeau makes us all a little jealous because dammit, we all try to hit the damn thing 380 yards pretty much every time we take the headcover off the driver.
And we all also like to think we are smarter than we actually are, a human frailty which was evidenced by DeChambeau’s actions earlier this summer when he said he did not need a COVID-19 vaccine, then caught COVID-19 and missed the Olympics, then returned grumpier than when he left and had fans ejected from The Memorial for yelling “Brooksie.”
That, of course, is a reference to uber-rival Brooks Koepka, who could make Joe Biden seem not boring. Koepka did not post a score at East Lake last year because he was not a part of the competition, having finished 103rd to miss the playoffs in an injury-plagued season.
He enters this weekend’s tournament slotted 20th, which is close enough for him to contend under the TOUR’s silly scoring rules but highly unlikely to win.
What is going to make this weekend enjoyable aside from watching DeChambeau hit his 3-iron and duck the media will be having someone with a personality emerge as the victor. We have not had an engaging personality on the TOUR since John Daly was taking apart Crooked Stick, so when you are unwrapping your Benjamins to wager on this one through MaximBet, try to remember that he who laughs last laughs best.
And with that, we bring you a couple of golfers who, at least in theory, have the ability to laugh at something other than Caddyshack jokes.
Patrick Cantlay and Jon Rahm are the co-favorites at +450, with Rahm coming off his 14th Top 10 of the season, a tie for ninth at the BMW Championship after he opened 64-66; and Cantlay going 27-under and winning on the sixth playoff hole with a putting game that is to the greens what DeChambeau’s driver is to the fairways. Cantlay enters ranked fourth in the world and without a funny thing ever having been written or spoken about him.
Tony Finau is from Salt Lake City but has Tongan and Samoan descent, and he is the cousin of NBA player Jabari Parker, who now toils for the Boston Celtics and may not yet know exactly who Ime Udoka is. He is on the board at +750, slightly longer than DeChambeau (+500) and with a nice head of steam. He won the Northern Trust two weeks ago, and carded a 9-under 63 in the final round of the BMW to tie for 15th.
Dustin Johnson at +2000 and is an intriguing wager possibility for a couple of reasons. He is the first golfer mentioned in this column known to have both a sense of humor and a sense of daring (ask any club member where Dustin has been a guest, but do not make reference to the wives of members. Trust us on that).
Also, Johnson went 67-70-65-66 last weekend and is the defending champion at East Lake, and when this guy and his putter (the one he plays golf with, silly) are acting in unison, there is nobody more enjoyable to watch. He does not have an everyman game, but every man can appreciate that this guy knows how to find a woman without hitting from the red tees.
Enjoy the golf, y’all. And good luck!
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