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Meet a Woman Who Can Have an Orgasm Just By Thinking About Sex

"Oh, come on," say all frustrated men, everywhere.


Today is a day that mankind has long feared would come, so to speak. Men are officially an endangered species: we are no longer needed now that women have taken an evolutionary step that pretty much makes us useless globs of mass that take up space, the Zunes of the animal kingdom. Jaiya, a sexologist and author of the dubiously-titled "How-To" book, Blow Each Other Away, appeared on Joy Behar's show on Current and proved to women around the world that it is possible for them to have an orgasm just by thinking about it. She even showed Joy a demonstration of how her brain telepathically communicates with her vagina by giving herself a "joy buzzer" live on the air (don't worry, that phrase doesn't mean Joy was involved in creating the orgasm, although we apologize for the image that creates in your mind). 
 



The first question you're probably asking yourself is, how do men stay relevant now that women have gone hands-free? It's certainly worth asking, but the much more important question here is, how the hell do we go about doing this to ourselves? Because if women can get off without even touching themselves, surely it's possible for guys to do it, too? Beyond being 13-years-old and having a pants-accident on the school bus, we mean. 

Of course, the biggest problem with everyone developing this mutant-like ability – a sort of XXX-Men, if you will – is that everyone will immediately lose all motivation to do anything, and society will grind to a halt within the span of a week as everyone just constantly climaxes by themselves. The cities will crumble, the the animals and plants will take over, and future alien explorers will gaze in wonder at the ruins before opening a museum commemorating "The Planet That Wanked Itself To Death." And in those ruins they will find a shaky iPhone recording of the last man alive, capturing his final moment: Shuddering happily in the wreckage, while quietly muttering, "Totally worth it."

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