This week, get mixed up in the world of drugs and hippos (occasionally at the same time), then order your wings to go for the Hooters 2011 International Swimsuit Pageant.
Tuesday, July 19
10:00 p.m. Drug Kingpin Hippos (Animal Planet)
During his reign of terror in Columbia, infamous drug lord Pablo Escobar had a lot of hobbies: Cocaine; not abiding by the law; living a lifestyle that Scarface would deem excessive; and...hippos. Yes, those hippos. Apparently one of the most ruthless men who ever lived had a soft spot for hippos, and even had four of them running around on his private compound, the Hacienda Napoles. Problem is, these four hippos have multiplied to 30 and they are naturally aggressive killers. These hippos are hungry, hungry all right....FOR HUMAN BLOOD! This captivating special not only details Escobar's life of crime (his brother Roberto Escobar is interviewed for the documentary) but chronicles the lasting effects he's left behind with the killer hippos, all while veterinarians try their best to track the beasts down before they kill innocent Columbians. Hey, to be fair, who could have ever guessed that mixing coke with two-ton animals would be a bad idea? Oh right, anyone but Pablo Escobar.
11:00 p.m. Web Therapy (Showtime)
This new series, which first debuted online, features short, yet satisfying sessions that take place on a web cam. Now, before we get your hopes up that this is a new late night cable porn show, we'd better tell you this is actually a comedy starring Lisa Kudrow as a kooky psychotherapist who conducts all of her sessions with her clients over a web cam. Okay, that still sounds kind of dirty, but we assure you it's just a hilarious, ad-libbed series whose guest stars will include "Parks and Recreation" stunner Rashida Jones and Kudrow's Friends co-star Courtney Cox as women seeking web therapy. And if you’re still thinking about spanking it, maybe it’s time to book an appointment yourself.
Wednesday, July 20
11:00 p.m. Conan (TBS)
By all means, we should hate Justin Timberlake. The guy gets to have no strings attached nookie on-screen with Mila Kunis in the new comedy Friends with Benefits (in theaters this weekend), he's dated Jessica Biel, Cameron Diaz, and an in-her-prime Britney Spears in real-life, and he's attempting to make MySpace cool again. Now please imagine we're angrily shaking our fists at the unjust heavens when we cry, "Damn you Timberlake, daaaaaaamn youuuuu!" Still, against all our better instincts, we can't help but love the dude who made Saturday Night Live funny again. JT is swinging by Conan to plug his latest flick, and if you miss him chatting it up with Coco, he's pretty much everywhere this week promoting "Friends With Benefits". Because you know what's cooler than one talk show appearance? A billion talk show appearances.
Thursday, July 21
10:00 p.m. True Life (MTV)
The 11th season of the docu-series--which had some memorable episodes as of late, including True Life: I Hate My Roommate and True Life: I'm a Teen Wolf--chronicles, well, the chronic, for the finale, True Life: I'm In The Marijuana Business. We can only hope that you don't smoke too much and forget that this particular episode, or the inevitable 12th season premiere: True Life: I Got In A Shit Load Of Trouble For Admitting On National Television That I Sell Drugs, is on.
Friday, July 22
9:00 p.m. The Hooters 2011 International Swimsuit Pageant (Spike)
Give the girls at your local Hooters a break from your incessant drooling (you can't keep using "The wings are so spicy!" as an excuse. They're on to you, dude...) and instead stay home to watch 100 body-baring, chain restaurant-affiliated babes (c'mon Applebees, it's time to make your move!) competing in the 15th Annual International Swimwear Pagaent. But, since drooling will still be rampant on your part, we'd still recommend you wear a bib for this.
Sunday, July 24
10:30 p.m. Entourage (HBO)
When we left off, Vince (Adrian Grenier) had discovered the highs and lows of getting into cocaine (you'd have thought playing Pablo Escobar in the failed Medellin would have taught him otherwise, but, looking back now, that movie probably just needed more killer hippos) and porn stars (namely Sasha Grey), Drama (Kevin Dillon) finally found steady work with an upcoming animated series and Ari's (Jeremy Piven) big mouth actually got him in some big trouble. We'll have to see how the eighth--and final--season of the Emmy-winning bro-tastic comedy (that's right, you'll only be able to "Hug it out, bitch" for five more episodes) ties everything up, but until then just expect a lot of foul-mouthed jabs courtesy of guest star Anthony Dice Clay, who appears in tonight's premiere.
11:45 p.m. Aqua Unit Patrol Squad 1 (Adult Swim)
The show formerly known as Aqua Teen Hunger Force (don't worry, we're still calling it that, too) may have a different title, but the basic premise--a meat ball, a milk shake, and a sleeve of French fries who all live together and get mixed up in some weird and hilarious scenarios--is still very much the same. The eighth season of the absurd animated series wraps up tonight, so you're going to have to find some other supremely bizarre things to do for 15 minutes before going to bed on a Sunday night. Your girlfriend will be thrilled, no doubt.