If you can manage to keep all your limbs intact from your 4th of July festivities, then grab your remote and settle in for a week's worth of explosive television. You can peep in on the new Big Brother crew, creep on Jennifer Aniston in the early morning hours and keep livin' for-ev-er with the highly anticipated series Torchwood: Miracle Day.
Monday, July 4
9:00 p.m. Macy's 4th of July Spectacular 2011 (NBC)
It seems kind of stupid to stay indoors to watch a fireworks display (and if you are setting them off indoors, you clearly didn't heed our advice to watch Intervention) but if you can't be bothered to stick your head out the window and look up, you can at least direct your slack-jawed gaze at Beyonce, who will be performing for the Macy's 4th of July Spectacular special. Still, you'll have to do some channel changing as this one is hosted by Nick Lachey, while the Boston Pops Fireworks Spectacular over on CBS has the infinitely more bad ass Michael Chiklis doing the honor.
10:00 p.m. Intervention (A&E)
The latest episode of this highly, ahem, “addictive” series follows a guy named Eddie who once had offers to play major league baseball (http://www.maxim.com/sports/2009s-biggest-baseball-loserheads), but squandered them because of vices like drinking and gambling. Oh, Eddie, you're supposed to do that after you get signed, not before. Sure, this is a somewhat depressing TV pick for the joyous 4th of July, but if it keeps you from drunkenly setting off fireworks in your living room, we'll consider it a small victory on our part.
Wednesday, July 6
9:00 p.m. I Shouldn't Be Alive (Animal Planet)
Of course, if you did wind up drunkenly setting off fireworks in your living room, you should probably tune in for the appropriately-titled I Shouldn't Be Alive. The fifth season of this series, which chronicles survival tales from lucky, death-defying bastards, kicks off tonight with people who almost lost life and frost-bitten-limb when they got trapped by an avalanche. We're dying (get it...dying?! Ha! It’s funny because they almost died!) to see if this turns out to be anything like good ol' Alive.
Thursday, July 7
Check local listings, Live! With Regis and Kelly (ABC)
"Why in the world would I get up to watch a syndicated talk show when I could be sleeping in or, more accurately, just going to bed?", you ask. The reasons are twofold: 1. You can marvel at the I-clearly-don't-give-a-shit-anymore attitude of soon-to-be-retiree Reege and, 2. Jennifer Aniston is stopping by to promote her new flick Horrible Bosses and she'll be sitting within a few feet of fellow 40-something babe Kelly Ripa. It's like what you would have been dreaming about anyway, just on a TV!
9:00 p.m. Big Brother (CBS)
The term "big brother" has so many negative connotations attached to it (wiretapping, propaganda, Chet from Weird Science), but we can only think of the positive aspects of it in that it's created an utterly-brilliant-in-its-absurdity reality show, now entering its 13th season tonight, which features a house full of attractive lunatics put in ridiculous situations, as well as the musings of a hilarious robot (oh, and Zingbot is there, too. Zing!) And, lest we forget, without Big Brother, there would be no Big Brother: After Dark. Invasion of privacy never felt so good.
Friday, July 8
10:00 p.m. Torchwood: Miracle Day (Starz)
Torchwood vets John Barrowman and Eve Myles team up with Mekhi Pfieffer and his awesomely-named CIA operative Rex Matheson for the latest--and American-ized (read: best)--installment of the BBC sci-fi hit series. When the Earth is in danger of becoming over-populated due to a mysterious circumstance in which people refuse to die, Rex and co. (which also includes the likes of Bill Pullman, Lauren Ambrose and Alexa Havens) have to investigate who--or, rather, what--is causing the phenomenon. Don't think they're not on to you, Larry King!
Sunday, July 10
10:00 p.m. Curb Your Enthusiasm (HBO)
All felt right in the world again when Larry David reunited with the Seinfeld gang for the seventh season, but things are going to feel even more at home when the socially inept funnyman heads to New York City, the epicenter for unfiltered loudmouths. In addition to going to the Big Apple, the eighth season of the side-splitting Emmy-winning series will feature even more of Larry's politically incorrect statements and guest stars like Ricky Gervais, Michael J. Fox, and Mr. Show's Paul F. Tompkins. We're pretttt-ay, pretttt-ay, pretttt-ay psyched, to say the least.