Sharks, snoops, Snookis and ’staches make up the perfect week for staying in.
Shark Week Continues
Check local listings, Shark Week (Discovery)
It's hard to find stuff to do between new Shark Week specials (try punching regular fish in the nose to keep the thrill alive or watching this scene from Deep Blue Sea and over again) but they're all definitely worth waiting for. There's "Rogue Sharks" on Monday, Aug. 1 (which we can only assume is about predatory sharks from Alaska that act all coy about their plans to run for President), "Shark City" on Thursday, Aug. 4 (population: bad-ass) and "Ultimate Air Jaws" on Sunday, Aug. 7 which, based on the name alone, will be the single greatest hour of television in history. Check out Maxim's office shark!
Tuesday, August 2
9:00 p.m. Take The Money And Run(ABC)
In the pantheon of shows that share the same name as a Steve Miller Band song, this new high-stakes game show ranks pretty high (sorry, "Swingtown"!) The premise of the cat-and-mouse series is simple, not to mention incredibly illegal: Contestants hide a briefcase filled with a ton of cash, which a team of detectives and the police will try and find. If the authorities don't find it within 48 hours, the contestants get to keep the money. In tonight's series premiere two brothers from San Francisco will try to do just that (might we suggest the Golden Gate Bridge? No one ever goes there) with $100,000 at stake. So not only it is a reality competition with a twist, but it reminds us all of this invaluable lesson: If you can trick the cops, you will always be handsomely rewarded.
Wednesday, August 3
10:00 p.m. Locked Up Abroad(NGC)
Thailand typically brings much happier connotations to our mind (yes, mostly because we still can't help but laugh at the name Bangkok) but we'll likely stay far away from the Far East thanks to the fifth season finale of the gripping docu-series "Locked Up Abroad", titled "Backstabbed in Thailand." Of course, when we travel to Thailand, we--unlike the ballsy folks featured in tonight's ep--aren't facing an upcoming murder trial or helping a pal plan a way to smuggle heroin back to the states. Well most of us, aren't, anyway.
Thursday, August 4
10:00 p.m. Jersey Shore (MTV)
You can continue to thank your lucky stars that you're living free in the good ol' U.S. of A, as the cast from the "Jersey Shore" severs all our international ties when they take their endlessly entertaining shenanigans to Italy for their 4th season. The gang is all here (for now) and not calling the U.S. Embassy for help (yet), all while they fist bump, smoosh, fight like maniacs, gym, tan, launder, and sport logic/gravity-defying hair on someone else's turf. We can only imagine how much more pride The Situation and co. will bring to Italians everywhere when they butcher their language and eat all their food. But whatever happens, please just make sure they send J-WOWW back.
Friday, August 5
11:00 p.m. Whisker Wars(IFC)
Chuck Norris, Tom Selleck, Brian Wilson, Zach Galifianakis, and Ned Flanders (fictitious, schmictitious) could all easily take part in this ridiculously awesome new series which chronicles gallant, noble men who compete in beard and mustache growing competitions. While it's no match for our Beard Awards, we respectfully stroke our Fu Manchus in honor of the dudes who can seriously rock the chin straps and soup strainers like the best of them at prestigious events such as the World Beard and Mustache Championship in Norway.
Saturday, August 6
11:00 p.m. Michael Ian Black: Very Famous (Comedy Central)
Sure, there's a tinge of irony and sarcasm in the title (Michael Ian Black, ironic and sarcastic? Never!) but MIB is always very famous in our book because he provided us with comedic gold like "Stella," "The State," and of course, "Wet Hot American Summer." In his new hour-long Comedy Central stand-up special, Black brings his brand of dry, self-deprecating humor to the stage, where he'll tackle an array of topics from terrible Halloween costumes to the misery that is rectal exams, as well as being a well-known comedian.
Sunday, August 7
8:00 Sunday Night Football (ABC)
We can put those lockout fears out in the cold, because the NFL is ready for some football, after all. So much so that they're willing to play a preseason game in the Midwest in the dead of summer. Still, we'll be putting on our Sunday best (pants optional) as the Chicago Bears meet up with the St. Louis Rams to toss the pig skin around at Fawcett Stadium in Canton, Ohio. While this game doesn't technically count, getting to see cheerleaders do their thing in the heat most certainly does.