As 2017 mercifully comes to a close, it's only right that we take some time to reflect on all the wild shit that went down this past year. So much weirdness happened, including:
- A gross and unnecessary trend where women paint vaginas on their nails
- Someone discovered a cow that looks exactly like Gene Simmons of KISS
- A bunch of insane political stuff...like Kid Rock threatening to run for senate, and Dwayne Johnson maybe running for president in 2020...what a world!
But aside from the non-sexual news of 2017 that made us shake our heads in bewilderment, there was also a fair amount insanity in the sex world, and it'd be a damn shame if we didn't fully acknowledge just how weird sex was in 2017.
10. Hot and spicy condoms exist
Since all women love it when their bits burn during sex, Manforce, an actual Indian condom company, just released a new Achaari flavored condom, which is a spicy and sour lime pickle that's super popular in India.
“Presenting the very Indian, Tangy and Tantalizing, ACHAARI Flavoured Condoms,” the official poster reads. “Get your lovemaking to go Desi and Sexy.”
Is this a good idea? Absolutely not. But is it the weirdest condom of 2017? Absolutely.
9. Dad bods are hot, according to science
We already know that the dad bod is all the rage, but did you know that hairy dad bods are even hotter? Yup, data analysis from Pornhub revealed that women totally have the hots for hairy daddies -- literally.
The analysis found that the top searches from women on the porn site were for "hairy" and "daddy," which means ladies are super into chest rugs and sexy dads with a little tummy chub.
8. Women found bald men sexy and dominant
Good news for baldies! A study from Barry University in Florida revealed that bald dudes are sexier than everyone else, and are perceived as more intelligent, dominant, and overall way hotter than men who have a full head of hair.
However, as awesome as this news is, there's a tiny bit of bad news, too -- baldness decreases perceived physical attractiveness just a touch, but no matter. The increase in the other domains, including perceived intelligence, dominance, and overall sexiness makes up for it.
7. People got off to Fidget Spinner porn
According to Pornhub,“fidget spinner” was the top-trending search term in May, with over 2.5 million searches in just 10 days, and at its peak, searches for fidget spinner porn was up 282 percent.
That's super weird, but to each his own.
6. Women might be happier when they date ugly dudes
If you've ever wondered how ugly-ass dudes manage to land exquisite girlfriends, here's why: research discovered that women who have attractive husbands are more likely to diet and constantly try to lose weight to keep up with invisible competition, whereas women who have unsightly husbands don't need to try too hard, because there's basically no risk of him cheating on her.
I believe it.
5. That lady who claimed she had sex with 20 ghosts
While the rest of us were having sex with actual people, a woman named Amethyst Realm, who may or may not be completely insane, says she's had spooky ghost sex with 20 ghosts in the past three years.
“There was pressure on my thighs and breath on my neck. I just always felt safe. I had sex with the ghost. You can feel it. It’s difficult to explain. There was a weight and a weightlessness, a physical breath and stroking, and the energy as well.”
Haha. Okay, sweetie. We believe you.
4. Three words: Erotic. Carp. Calendar.
There are normal sexy calendars, and there are sexy calendars that make you say "What the fuck???"
The Carponizer Carp Calendar is one of the latter, featuring 12 glorious pictures of sexy naked women holding gooey massive freshwater fish. So hot.
3. A super wild sex and drug vacation was banned by the Colombian government
An X-rated Colombian retreat on a private island called "Sex Island" was so goddamn wild, it was literally breaking the law on pimping, and the Colombian government actually banned the trip and called it “unacceptable,” saying a vacation like this cannot be allowed to happen.
The wholesome vacation offered its 30 lucky guests unlimited sex and alcohol, 60 prostitutes, and enough hard drugs to fuck up the entire population of Colombia.
2. There's a ridiculous sex move called "Grapefruiting"
Grapefruiting is basically a blowjob done with a citrus fruit instead of a mouth, and was invented by Auntie Angel, a woman who’s known for her sex tips and as the official “Grapefruit Technique Lady."
“I believe every man should get grapefruited,” Auntie Angel says in her instructional video, encouraging women all around the world to grab a grapefruit, cut a hole in it, and jerk their man off with it.
“When you grapefruit your man, it’s going to feel as if you’re giving him head and fucking him at the same time." Wow, that sounds...so sexy.
I highly recommend watching the instructional video, because it's hilarious. You'd think she's joking, but she's dead serious, which makes it funnier.
1. Harvard had a class called “Anal Sex 101.”
While other schools just put condoms in a vending machine in the bathroom and hope you know what you’re doing, Harvard University, a.k.a. one of the most prestigious colleges in the world, had an entire class on butt stuff, called “What What in the Butt: Anal Sex 101.”
In the class, students who are interested in taking a ride on the Hershey Highway were taught how to relax their asses for easy entry, and were told “It’s all about practice, practice, practice,” because no college course is complete without a little homework, right?
And there you have it, my friends. 2017 was a fun one, and I can't wait to see what weirdness 2018 is going to bring.