We asked 26 famous Maxim fans what gifts they want. The answers ranged from “rolling papers” to “a whale-fucking device”…
Andrew Dice Clay, comedian
“The same thing I want every year - I want fucking pussy! But seriously, I want to make the whole country laugh and relieve all their stress. Including Pittsburgh."
Dwyane Wade, Point guard, Miami Heat
Photo: Steve Mitchell / USA TODAY Sports
“I just want my family to have everything they want.”
Oderus Urungus, space monster and lead singer of GWAR
"I want to design a whale-fucking suit that will not slow me in pursuit of my goal of fucking a living blue whale in its blowhole, but will also help me survive in the methane tubes my quarry will undoubtedly travel though.”
Rebecca Mader, Lost star and Hot 100 veteran
Photo: Martin Roe / Retna Ltd.
“My own TV show! I either want a really well written, sexy, intelligent drama like Homeland, or I want the complete opposite, a really sexy, silly comedy. I’m really a giant twat and I never get to show that – I’d love a really well written comedy where I can just run around being a knob.”
Jeremy Wade, host of River Monsters
"News that there might be some hope for improvement in the state of the world's rivers would be nice. Failing that, I'd love a new biceps tendon in my right arm, to replace the one that snapped in 2009. But having said that, making any kind of pact with Santa is against my religion."
Jean Claude Van Damme, action movie icon
Photo: MGM / Everett Collection
"I want next Christmas. Seriously, I want what I always want, to be with my wife and kids, family is everything for me.”
Brooke Tessmacher, TNA wrestler
"I really want a cute tee that has a unicorn on it and says, 'Haters gonna hate.'"
Brad Richards, Center, New York Rangers
Photo: Geoff Burke / USA TODAY Sports
"I know it sounds boring, but we need hockey back for Christmas. We were so close last year. We're hungry to get back out there and finish the job."
Jim Lee, comic book artist and Co-Publisher of DC Entertainment
“The Vertigo Comics adaptation of The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. I love comparing and contrasting original works with their media adaptations, and writer Denise Mina brings her own sensibilities to the original hit novel. From the world of games, I want Assassin’s Creed 3 - I love how the series is slowly moving the storyline closer and closer into more modern times. Also, a Samsung Note II to replace my Blackberry, because I remember the days when I rocked a Treo and as an artist, having a stylus and a huge screen gives me the perfect 24/7 sketchpad.”
Kurt Angle, TNA wrestler
"My real two front teeth!"
Fred Armisen, star of SNL & Portlandia
Photo: Chris Hornbecker / IFC
“Chocolate, really good sushi, and a bass, maybe another Rickenbacker. They look great and they sound great, and there’s something friendly about them. They seem to be saying to you, “Hello, why, hi!” Some guitars and some bases are like, “This is not for you”. A Rickenbacker is like, “Hi, here, play some bass!”
Todd Snider, alt-country legend
“All I want for Christmas is for Axl, Slash, Izzy, Duff and Steven Adler to bury the hatchet and get back to the business of goat-throwing, kick ass rock and roll. Sans Bucket Head, horns, Dizzy and Matt Sorum etc.”
Jeff Ross, Comedy Central’s The Burn With Jeff Ross
“The only thing I want for Christmas should be gift wrapped in rolling papers. Merry Spliffness!”
Chris Santos, celebrity chef
“I'm pretty easy to shop for, as outside of my professional life as a chef, I'm a huge Boxing and MMA fan. So I'm great with anything related to those sports – books, classic fights on DVD, signed memorabilia, etc. But the ultimate Christmas gift would be for boxing's two best fighters, Floyd Mayweather and Manny Pacquaio, to finally get in the ring and prove who's best. And a ringside ticket, of course.”
Geoff Johns, comic book writer and Chief Creative Officer of DC Entertainment
"Wonder Woman Vol. 1: Blood. This is one of my favorite books from DC Comics – The New 52. Brian Azzarello’s interesting take on this story has really opened my eyes to these characters in a new way. From the world of games, Halo 4 - I’m the biggest Halo fan ever, my office is fully decked out in Halo gear, so let’s just say I’ve been waiting for this game to come out all year. From the world of toys, DC Collectibles’ 13” Darkseid action figure – he’s huge, the equivalent of three Aquaman action figures tall, and he weighs a ton. This could be the best action figure ever made.”
Gail Kim, TNA wrestler
"All I want for Christmas is to have both my family and my husband's entire family together just once! We are spread all over the world - parts of the USA, Canada, England, Abu Dhabi, Scotland and Australia!"
Shorty Rossi, star of Pit Boss
"Definitely not another dog. I'd love for Santa to give me a vacation away from humankind, just me and my dogs, where we’re waited on hand and paw. And where I can enjoy a cigar."
Bam Margera, professional Jackass
"I’m pretty happy with everything that I have. Last year my mom got me the Back to the Future Delorean. The year before that she got me that old 1929 Mercedes convertible from the movie Arthur. So I guess at this point, I would like a nice ruby ring or maybe some kind of fancy watch because I had a $20,000 Breitling watch with diamonds that I left in a hotel room in Helsinki, Finland. When I got home, I called about it, and they were pretty much like, 'We don’t know what you’re talking about’. I’m like, 'Yeah, right’. That was probably my biggest mistake: Leaving my $20,000 watch in a hotel room across the earth."
Steve Novak, Power Forward, New York Knicks
Photo: Anthony Gruppuso / USA TODAY Sports
“First of all, I would like a win. We play against the Lakers on Christmas and then I think if I could get an early Christmas present, it would definitely be a championship ring, but if I have to wait until June, I will.”
Dylan Moran, comedian
“I want the doorknob for my house to stop falling off. Fucking five years we’ve been there, and all the knobs still fall off. You end up locking yourself in the fucking scullery. You can’t get to the food.”
Lili Simmons, actress and model
“More shoes, haha! Some Pradas would be nice, but that’s never going to happen. Actually, I just bought a condo in West Hollywood and I need furniture, so I guess I should ask for something for my new condo.”
Reed Timmer, star of Storm Chasers
“Honestly, if I could get anything for Christmas - and this is unrealistic - it would be a mobile weather LIDAR unit, which is like radar but it uses lasers and can measure tornado wind speeds from close range like a champion. Also, my entire wardrobe is down to two flannel shirts I've been rotating bi-daily, so I'm definitely depending on the clothes my mom always comes through on every Christmas. I'm also out of socks and it's not sandal season, so something in between a mobile LIDAR unit and a piece of coal, but closer to the latter, haha! Combine any of the above with a lake effect snowstorm in Michigan when I'm visiting my mom over the Holidays and I'll be in heaven.”
Scott Snyder, novelist and comic book writer
Photo: David Livingston / Getty Images
“I’ve always been a huge rockabilly fan, so I bought a 68 Mustang for just a couple thousand dollars. It looked beautiful on the outside, but it was completely rotted on the inside, it was a total hazard to drive. I took it to the mechanic and he said it was in danger of becoming like a Flintstone car, where the floor would just fall out. But I adored it, and when we had kids, of course, it only had one seatbelt so I had to sell it. So my goal this year - seven years later - is to be able to buy myself a car that reminds me of American Vampire. I’d really love to buy an old hot rod for myself. That’s my goal and I’m looking online. I’m buying my own damn Christmas present!”
Ryan Hunter-Reay, Indycar champ
Photo: Reuters / Todd Korol / Landov
"A paddleboard. Since I'm right there on the water - right across from the beach - I could roll it into my fitness routine."
Jeff Hardy, TNA wrestler
“A John Deere 120c excavator and one bottom molar. A Bengal tiger and a giraffe would be nice, too."
Ben Hoffman, comedian
Photo: JB Lacroix / WireImage
“I’m a Jew, so I guess for Christmas, I’d want to be Christian.”
Big Boi Reads The Grinch
The Biggest Assholes of 2012