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100 Best Cereals

Let’s keep it real...C-real!

“Hey. I’m gonna put cow juice on flakes of flattened grains and bits of crunchy, puffed up corn,” said a genius. And thus cereal was created. The true story of cereal is funny and interesting. (Mr. Kellogg and Mr. Post developed their foodstuffs as a way to combat sexual frenzy.) Grab a spoon and cancel lunch. Here are the 100 best cereals.

1. Lucky Charms
It tastes good, but this is number one for a whole different reason. It’s genuinely lucky. Yes, some of the so-called charms are suspect. (Who thinks red balloons and moons are lucky?) But a day with a clover or horseshoe resting in your belly means a day of joy and good fortune! Plus, even the non-marshmallow pieces are disgustingly sweet. There is nothing, we repeat, nothing wrong with Lucky Charms. And thus, it is a the perfect foodstuff.

2. Mr. T
It ranks high on the list for two reason. First, it’s Mr. T. Second, this commercial.

During the lovely ‘80s, Mr. T had his own cartoon, in which he palled around with gymnasts. We would pay good money to see a reboot of this series. An R-rated, live-action reboot. And this cereal reminds us all that once...Mr. T palled around with child gymnasts.

3. Frosted Flakes
Simple. Delicious. Endorsed by a tiger. If you demand more from your breakfast meal, then you ask too much, Princess.

4. Honey Nut Cheerios
Better than Cheerios in every way, the Honey Nut brand outsells all other cereals, including the original. And now you know why we’ve begun selling: Honey Nut Starkist Tuna, Honey Nut Kleenex and Honey Nut iPads. We’re gonna be rich!

5. Circus Balls
For one dollar, you can walk into a store and come out holding this box. Thank you, America. Thank you. (Click here for more of our dollar store treasures.)

6. Grape Nuts
They taste like pellets of grainy hair. So why did they crack the top ten? Because we want to warn all the children of the world. Despite the funny and somewhat appetizing name, this cereal tastes like nutty, grainy, milky hair. Avoid it all cost. You’re welcome.

7. Captain Crunch
Describe the taste of Captain Crunch with using the word “sweet.” After an hour of mulling it over, we came up with: Heavenly, devine, non-Appley and yum-yum. Not only does it taste “perfect” it also has the most violent and satisfying crunch of all the cereals on this list.

8. Frankenberry
You’ll see all the cereal monsters on this list, but Frankenberry beats them all because this cereal eats like a dessert. And there aren’t enough strawberry-themed kids cereals out there. When you want your milk to turn into bloody sweetness, a bowl of Frankenberry will do the job like none other.

9. Clusters
We now venture into adult-cereal territory. But while Clusters looks like a boring option, those nuggets of nuts are worth digging through the boring flakes to find. It’s like a treasure hunt.

10. Frosted Mini-Wheats
Good with milk. Even better on it’s own.

11. Nintendo Cereal
It’s been twenty years since Nintendo had a cereal, and yet we can still sing the catchy jingle.

 

While the commercial lives in our brains forever, we can’t remember how this tasted, or if it was an accurate representation of the flavors one would associate with Italian plumbers and princesses.

12. Variety Pack
This is a bit of a cop out, but the Variety Pack deserves a spot on this list. First, you get to try the other cereals! Second, the tiny boxes can later be used as ineffectual iPhone cases. And third, you can (and legally should) combine all the boxes into one mega bowl and eat a meal we call: Mouth Christmas.

13. Kashi Good Friends
Worth it for the box art. No one has ever actually eaten this cereal. It probably tastes like friendship, and by friendship, we mean dry leaves.

14. Trix
Fun Fact: Real rabbits don’t like Trix no matter how forceful you are. One of the first fruit-flavored cereals, Trix is still pretty good. It lacks the airiness of Fruit Loops and the pretension of Fruity Pebbles. Still, it’s tough to compete with Circus Balls.

15. Coco Puffs
In the mood for diarrhea? This can help in the best possible way.

16. Marshmallow Mateys
Another generic brand, this is obviously a Lucky Charms imposter. It doesn’t taste very good, but a bag of this cereal costs about nickel, so why complain?

17. Cookie Crisp
The only thing nutritious about Cookie Crisp is that it doesn’t come with ham gravy. But if you’re buying healthy cereal than you’re probably an asshole who already left a comment about “Fat America” below. Screw the health doctors! This tastes good, and if you can’t have cookies for breakfast, what’s the point of being an adult?

18. Cheerios
Boring but good. This is the Kevin Costner of breakfast foods.

19. Captain Crunch w/ Crunch Berries
We here at Maxim feel that adding Crunch Berries was unnecessary to the Captain Crunch cereal. That said, we applaud the food scientists for thinking outside the box and trying new things.

20. Fruit Loops
Eat them in a bowl and you may seem a tad immature. Eat them out of the box on the subway and suddenly you’re the most interesting hipster of them all!

21. Count Chocula
Pour yourself a bowl, walk away for ten minutes and then eat. The milk turns this into a delightful sugar-sludge that has the taste of ice cream, but the texture of a cool stew.

23. Raisin Nut Bran
“How do you make raisins better? Cover them in nuts.” - Thomas Edison....maybe.

24. Kellogg's Raisin Bran
“How do you make raisins better? Cover them in sugar.” - Abraham Lincoln...probably.

25. Honey Bunches of Oats
Another mature cereal that actually tastes good. Plus, it was the inspiration for our band, Money Hunches of Goats. (We play experimental harp music with a deep folk influence.)

26. Rice Krispie Treats Cereal
It does for milk what women do for bikini tops.

27. Quaker Oatmeal (Maple and Brown Sugar)
We thought of doing another list of 100 Best Hot Cereals, but we only had one. And this is it. And it’s good.

28. Alpha-Bits
Spell ten swear words before you finish. No repeats.

29. Fruity Pebbles
How the hell do kids know about The Flintstones? Is the show still on? They could call this Johnny Carson Fruit Slabs and it would be just as relevant to children.

30. Boo Berry
Questions: How does the hat stay on Boo’s head? Did the hat also die? Is the hat a ghost? Same questions apply to the bow tie. Please send your response to Maxim. Winner will get a sassy retort.

31. Blueberry Muffin Tops

32. Life

33. Corn Chex

34. Cinnamon Toast Crunch

35. Special K

36. Peanut Butter Captain Crunch

37. Apple Cinnamon Cheerios

39. Apple Jacks

40. Multi-grain Peanut Butter Cheerios

41. Banana Nut Crunch


42. Coco Pebbles

43. Kix

44. Honey Smacks

45. Honeycomb

46. Golden Grahams

47. Fruit Brute

48. Sugar Crisp

49. Ghostbusters Cereal

 

50. Wheat Chex

51. Post Raisin Bran

52. Cocoa Krispies

53. Rice Chex

54. Smurf Berry Crunch

55. C-3PO’s

 

56. Crispy Hexagons


57. Kellogg’s Cinnabon Cereal

58. Basic 4

59. Just Bunches

60. Post Waffle Crisp

61. Kashi Go Lean

62. Marshmallow Pebbles


63. Crispix

64. Kellogg’s Smorz

65. Whole Grain Total

66. Berry Berry Kix

67. Banana Nut Cheerios

68. Wheaties Fuel

69. Urkle O’s


70. Kashi Granola


71. Kellogg’s Crunch Nut

72. Chocolate Lucky Charms

73. Frosted Cheerios

74. Pebbles Boulders

75. Rice Krispies

76. Double Chocolate Cookie Crips

 

77. Yogurt Burst Cheerios

78.  Apple Dapples

79. Yummy Mummy

 

80. Corn Pops

81. Transformers Cereal

“Transforms ordinary milk into chocolate flavored milk.” - Actual slogan on the box. The cereal was never sold in stores. Only the boxes remain, and sell for over $300 on eBay.

82. Nut and Honey

81. Fruity Cheerios

82. Cinnamon Toasters

83. Coco Roos

84. Reese’s Puffs Cereal


85. Apple Zings

86. Shredded Wheat

87. Pirates of the Caribbean Cereal

88. Crushed up Pop-Tarts in a bowl

89. Pop-Tarts Crunch

 

90. French Toast Crunch


91. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Cereal

92. Kashi Go Lean Crunch

93. Mueslix

94. Kashi Squares: Berry Blossom

95. All Bran

96. Batman Cereal

97. Christmas Captain Crunch

The Captain is literally shoving his religion down your throat!

98. Quisp

99. A bowl of milk

100. Fiber One

 

 

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