Let’s keep it real...C-real!
“Hey. I’m gonna put cow juice on flakes of flattened grains and bits of crunchy, puffed up corn,” said a genius. And thus cereal was created. The true story of cereal is funny and interesting. (Mr. Kellogg and Mr. Post developed their foodstuffs as a way to combat sexual frenzy.) Grab a spoon and cancel lunch. Here are the 100 best cereals.
1. Lucky Charms
It tastes good, but this is number one for a whole different reason. It’s genuinely lucky. Yes, some of the so-called charms are suspect. (Who thinks red balloons and moons are lucky?) But a day with a clover or horseshoe resting in your belly means a day of joy and good fortune! Plus, even the non-marshmallow pieces are disgustingly sweet. There is nothing, we repeat, nothing wrong with Lucky Charms. And thus, it is a the perfect foodstuff.
2. Mr. T
It ranks high on the list for two reason. First, it’s Mr. T. Second, this commercial.
During the lovely ‘80s, Mr. T had his own cartoon, in which he palled around with gymnasts. We would pay good money to see a reboot of this series. An R-rated, live-action reboot. And this cereal reminds us all that once...Mr. T palled around with child gymnasts.
3. Frosted Flakes
Simple. Delicious. Endorsed by a tiger. If you demand more from your breakfast meal, then you ask too much, Princess.
4. Honey Nut Cheerios
Better than Cheerios in every way, the Honey Nut brand outsells all other cereals, including the original. And now you know why we’ve begun selling: Honey Nut Starkist Tuna, Honey Nut Kleenex and Honey Nut iPads. We’re gonna be rich!
5. Circus Balls
For one dollar, you can walk into a store and come out holding this box. Thank you, America. Thank you. (Click here for more of our dollar store treasures.)
6. Grape Nuts
They taste like pellets of grainy hair. So why did they crack the top ten? Because we want to warn all the children of the world. Despite the funny and somewhat appetizing name, this cereal tastes like nutty, grainy, milky hair. Avoid it all cost. You’re welcome.
7. Captain Crunch
Describe the taste of Captain Crunch with using the word “sweet.” After an hour of mulling it over, we came up with: Heavenly, devine, non-Appley and yum-yum. Not only does it taste “perfect” it also has the most violent and satisfying crunch of all the cereals on this list.
You’ll see all the cereal monsters on this list, but Frankenberry beats them all because this cereal eats like a dessert. And there aren’t enough strawberry-themed kids cereals out there. When you want your milk to turn into bloody sweetness, a bowl of Frankenberry will do the job like none other.
We now venture into adult-cereal territory. But while Clusters looks like a boring option, those nuggets of nuts are worth digging through the boring flakes to find. It’s like a treasure hunt.
10. Frosted Mini-Wheats
Good with milk. Even better on it’s own.
11. Nintendo Cereal
It’s been twenty years since Nintendo had a cereal, and yet we can still sing the catchy jingle.
While the commercial lives in our brains forever, we can’t remember how this tasted, or if it was an accurate representation of the flavors one would associate with Italian plumbers and princesses.
12. Variety Pack
This is a bit of a cop out, but the Variety Pack deserves a spot on this list. First, you get to try the other cereals! Second, the tiny boxes can later be used as ineffectual iPhone cases. And third, you can (and legally should) combine all the boxes into one mega bowl and eat a meal we call: Mouth Christmas.
13. Kashi Good Friends
Worth it for the box art. No one has ever actually eaten this cereal. It probably tastes like friendship, and by friendship, we mean dry leaves.
Fun Fact: Real rabbits don’t like Trix no matter how forceful you are. One of the first fruit-flavored cereals, Trix is still pretty good. It lacks the airiness of Fruit Loops and the pretension of Fruity Pebbles. Still, it’s tough to compete with Circus Balls.
15. Coco Puffs
In the mood for diarrhea? This can help in the best possible way.
16. Marshmallow Mateys
Another generic brand, this is obviously a Lucky Charms imposter. It doesn’t taste very good, but a bag of this cereal costs about nickel, so why complain?
17. Cookie Crisp
The only thing nutritious about Cookie Crisp is that it doesn’t come with ham gravy. But if you’re buying healthy cereal than you’re probably an asshole who already left a comment about “Fat America” below. Screw the health doctors! This tastes good, and if you can’t have cookies for breakfast, what’s the point of being an adult?
Boring but good. This is the Kevin Costner of breakfast foods.
19. Captain Crunch w/ Crunch Berries
We here at Maxim feel that adding Crunch Berries was unnecessary to the Captain Crunch cereal. That said, we applaud the food scientists for thinking outside the box and trying new things.
20. Fruit Loops
Eat them in a bowl and you may seem a tad immature. Eat them out of the box on the subway and suddenly you’re the most interesting hipster of them all!
21. Count Chocula
Pour yourself a bowl, walk away for ten minutes and then eat. The milk turns this into a delightful sugar-sludge that has the taste of ice cream, but the texture of a cool stew.
23. Raisin Nut Bran
“How do you make raisins better? Cover them in nuts.” - Thomas Edison....maybe.
24. Kellogg's Raisin Bran
“How do you make raisins better? Cover them in sugar.” - Abraham Lincoln...probably.
25. Honey Bunches of Oats
Another mature cereal that actually tastes good. Plus, it was the inspiration for our band, Money Hunches of Goats. (We play experimental harp music with a deep folk influence.)
26. Rice Krispie Treats Cereal
It does for milk what women do for bikini tops.
27. Quaker Oatmeal (Maple and Brown Sugar)
We thought of doing another list of 100 Best Hot Cereals, but we only had one. And this is it. And it’s good.
Spell ten swear words before you finish. No repeats.
29. Fruity Pebbles
How the hell do kids know about The Flintstones? Is the show still on? They could call this Johnny Carson Fruit Slabs and it would be just as relevant to children.
30. Boo Berry
Questions: How does the hat stay on Boo’s head? Did the hat also die? Is the hat a ghost? Same questions apply to the bow tie. Please send your response to Maxim. Winner will get a sassy retort.
31. Blueberry Muffin Tops
33. Corn Chex
34. Cinnamon Toast Crunch
35. Special K
36. Peanut Butter Captain Crunch
37. Apple Cinnamon Cheerios
39. Apple Jacks
40. Multi-grain Peanut Butter Cheerios
41. Banana Nut Crunch
42. Coco Pebbles
44. Honey Smacks
46. Golden Grahams
47. Fruit Brute
48. Sugar Crisp
49. Ghostbusters Cereal
50. Wheat Chex
51. Post Raisin Bran
52. Cocoa Krispies
53. Rice Chex
54. Smurf Berry Crunch
56. Crispy Hexagons
57. Kellogg’s Cinnabon Cereal
58. Basic 4
59. Just Bunches
60. Post Waffle Crisp
61. Kashi Go Lean
62. Marshmallow Pebbles
64. Kellogg’s Smorz
65. Whole Grain Total
66. Berry Berry Kix
67. Banana Nut Cheerios
68. Wheaties Fuel
69. Urkle O’s
70. Kashi Granola
71. Kellogg’s Crunch Nut
72. Chocolate Lucky Charms
73. Frosted Cheerios
74. Pebbles Boulders
75. Rice Krispies
76. Double Chocolate Cookie Crips
77. Yogurt Burst Cheerios
78. Apple Dapples
79. Yummy Mummy
80. Corn Pops
81. Transformers Cereal
“Transforms ordinary milk into chocolate flavored milk.” - Actual slogan on the box. The cereal was never sold in stores. Only the boxes remain, and sell for over $300 on eBay.
82. Nut and Honey
81. Fruity Cheerios
82. Cinnamon Toasters
83. Coco Roos
84. Reese’s Puffs Cereal
85. Apple Zings
86. Shredded Wheat
87. Pirates of the Caribbean Cereal
88. Crushed up Pop-Tarts in a bowl
89. Pop-Tarts Crunch
90. French Toast Crunch
The Captain is literally shoving his religion down your throat!
99. A bowl of milk
100. Fiber One
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