100 Cable Channels We Don’t Want

Face it – No one really needs a Style Network.

Maxim Staff

Jul 23, 2012

Face it – No one really needs a Style Network.

When media companies fight with cable providers, there’s always a chance that your beloved channels will be taken away faster than you can say “I want my MTV!” or, more realistically, “I want my MTV2!” That almost happened during the Viacom vs. DirecTV battle. But after careful consideration, we realized there are a lot of cable channels we don’t need but we’re stuck with anyway. 100 channels, to be exact.

1. HGTV – The channel is a tedious bore and lacks all the sex and titillation of the magazine counterpart. Your girlfriend doesn’t even watch this crap.

2. Discovery Fit & Health – There is nothing healthy about shows like World’s Worst Teens, Weed Wars, and Cellblock 6: Female Lock Up. Instead, this channel should just show a sign that reads, “Eat carrots.” At least then the name would be accurate.

3. SoapNet – Soap operas are perfect for people who don’t know the Internet exists and/or can’t afford a hobby.

4. Wealth TV – A channel strictly based on rich people throwing money in our face and laughing at us. Assholes. By the way, we didn’t know we had this channel until flipping through the cable box doing research for this article.

5. OWN – We don’t have a problem with Oprah, but when she stops handing out cars and interviewing celebrities, all that’s left is a channel that even our moms flip past on the way to Spike TV.

6. CW – Name five CW shows. (This is a trick question. Your ability to answer will greatly affect your chances of being invited to our basketball picnic.)

7. As Seen on TV – True story: Maxim was originally called “As Read in Maxim.” It was later renamed “Maxim Turbo” and then “Walrus Farts.” That’s when we fired our nephew.

8. Smithsonian Channel – Not a single ice road or trucker on the schedule? And you call yourself education? Pff.

9. Lifetime Real Women– The spin-off of Lifetime needs to be stopped or else the Lifetime virus will spread and soon the entire cable landscape will be littered with the likes of Lifetime Home and Wedding, Lifetime Mommy Date and Lifetime Chubby Crying.

10. Encore – Quick! La Bamba is playing! This is surely the only and best way for you to ever see La Bamba!

11. TV Guide – Thanks to DVRs and on-screen menus from the cable box, we need this channel as much as we need ankle watches.

12. The History Channel – Unlike almost every other thing on this list, we LOVE the History Channel. A bit too much. One minute you’re watching a show about swamp people, the next minute it’s Monday. For sucking up too many of our weekends with its addictive nearly perfect programming, we need to hand over the keys to the remote before someone gets hurt.

13. Fox News/MSNBC/CNN – Sorry, but we like getting our news from poorly spelled, inaccurate Tweets, just like the rest of America.

14. Cloo – Here’s a mystery the folks at Cloo have yet to solve: Who cares?

15. DIY – Shut up, channel! You’re not so smart! You don’t know how to fix EVERYTHING! Stop telling us how to live. Let us make mistakes. It’s how we learn!

16. ESPN Classic– Until they somehow manage to find footage of olden days when guys fought lions and raced chariots, we’re not interested in sporting events from three months ago.

17. E!– No!

18. TLC – Parents of toddler pageant queens are scary. Little people are just like us. You can have more than three babies. There. We just summed up everything you could possibly learn from this so-called Learning Channel.

19. The Weather Channel– It’s just like an app on your phone, but more difficult to use in the bathroom.

20. World Fishing Network– We’ll only watch this if arm wrestling also gets it’s own World Network.

21. Nick Jr. – Granted, the programming isn’t aimed at us. But our main concern is the fact that no one has ever revealed the identity of Nick Jr.’s mother. (We assume it’s that slut VH1.)

22. ABC Family – The channel that’s most popular amongst teenagers who lie on surveys about what channels they watch.

23. Disney – We only watch it because the music is fucking tight!

24. FEARnet – A channel that’s great in the fall, and just sort of sad during the rest of the year.

25. C-Span – We admit it. We have no idea what’s going on. Are they all in some sort of museum or library? USA!

26. The Home Shopping Network/QVC– It’s amazing that so many middle-aged women don’t know Amazon.com exists.

27. Current – How do you make social and political issues entertaining? We don’t know. But cramming them down the audience’s esophagus doesn’t seem to be working very well. At least getting Keith Obermann off proves they’re attempting to move in the right direction.

28. GAC (Great American Country)– Never watched it. Not once. Not even for second.

29. Style – We’re all like, “Eww. No thanks!” We can be such a bitch sometimes.

30. Oxygen – So many other elements are more worthy of a channel. Can someone give us $10 million to start Sodium? Or $60 to start Bismuth.

31. IFC

32. Tennis Channel

33. Bloomberg TV

34. TBS – Good for Seinfeld and Family Guy reruns. That’s it.

35. VH1 Classic

36. Music Choice

37. Sundance Channel

38. ABC

39. SyFy

40. Shop Zeal

41. The Hallmark Movie Channel

42. Bravo

43. Nickelodeon

44. espnU

45. HBO Signature (We just have no idea what this means. Is it where HBO signs its name all day?)

46. TVLand

47. USA

48. Boomerang

49. WGN America

50. BET

51. Live Well

52. Flix

53. Encore Western

54. Biography

55. TBN

56. fuse

57. WETV

58. BBC America – Doctor Who isn’t very good. Everyone is lying to you. Trust us.

59. Showtime Too – Reminds us too much of Teen Wolf Too. On second thought, we might live this network. Do they show Teen Wolf Too a lot?

60. National Geographic

61. Cooking Channel

62. NASA

63. Lifetime Movie Network

64. Encore Love

65. Any network that airs soccer

66. GSN (GameShow Network)

67. MTV Jams

68. Lifetime

69. TCM

70. Showtime Extreme

71. Teen Nick

72. MoviePlex (80’s – 90’s movies)

73. ESPN2

74. C-Span 2

75. News Asia

76. Disney XD

77. Centric

78. FSN

79. Indieplex

80. Science Channel

81. NBC

82. C-Span 3

83. TV Guide HD

84. VH1 Soul

85. Fine Living

86. FUNimation

87. The Movie Channel

88. Reelz Channel

89. PBS

90. CMT Country Music Television

91. FCS (Fox College Sports)

92. Velocity

93. The Hallmark Channel

94. Insp TV (The Inspirational channel)

95. Jewelry TV

96. Shop NBC

97. Ovation

98. Those strange channels that air foreign shows and have non-English subtitles.

99. ION

100. Hub

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